Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”