With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
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Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Nosferatu
Nosfera2
Nosf3ratu
Nos4atu
Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.