With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
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Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught