With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
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Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.