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“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.