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JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.