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“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
john wicks are toilet candles
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”