You Might Also Like
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Sharon, call the vet
