With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
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Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
This one never gets the credit it deserves
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…