With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
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It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
This kid is going places
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
When can I start eating bats again.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.