Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]

Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]

Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco

As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?