Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.

My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

Wonders if chickens do the funky people.

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.