Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

Now who done made this a sport lmao

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.