With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
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Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers