With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
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If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Happy thanksgiving!
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
#math
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken