Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”

When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

we’re dead?

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good