With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
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I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Wolves should really raise more people.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Growing out my freckles.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah