With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
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“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May