I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
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In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Someone: if you’re not deaf why do you always use subtitles?
Me, someone with audio processing issues so bad I literally did not understand what you just said: yeah!
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I’m selling my air guitar. The case is not included.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I saw Kony kissing Santa Claus
If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
yeah well i hope you go to put your hair in a ponytail but the hair tie is too loose to hold it & not big enough to tie it another time