@funnybeachgirl

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

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@lazerdoov

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

@ThisAlexStein

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

@evervway

Someone: if you’re not deaf why do you always use subtitles?
Me, someone with audio processing issues so bad I literally did not understand what you just said: yeah!

@SondraDeeMe

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

@PeaceInTruth1

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

@SlackArab

If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.

@PAT_E_ROCK

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

@hellolanemoore

yeah well i hope you go to put your hair in a ponytail but the hair tie is too loose to hold it & not big enough to tie it another time