*with the intention of bragging
I just won $7 and a free play on my lottery tickets. Only cost me $36 to achieve this
You Might Also Like
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front