*with the intention of bragging
I just won $7 and a free play on my lottery tickets. Only cost me $36 to achieve this
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My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA