With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
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Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]