With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
You Might Also Like
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
channeling her this year
I’m giving up for Lent.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity