Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

My loaf of bread looks terrified

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.