With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
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asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.