With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
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“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water