With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
You Might Also Like
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot