With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
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[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away