With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
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[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
