Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?

me:

son:

me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

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Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send