(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
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I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Yup.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.