(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
You Might Also Like
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Ummm 😳
This seems like peak sibling energy
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.