With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
You Might Also Like
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
just pretend nothing happened
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
But wait…
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me