With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
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doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday