With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
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Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”