Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.