Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

I missed you with all my darts

thinking about a very short hotdog

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.