With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
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birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!