With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
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The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples