With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
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me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I put the mess in domestic.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”