You Might Also Like
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Meowchelangelo
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Denise please return my vape pen
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”