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my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad