With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
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If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.