With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
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Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
lol
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog