Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

Incredible customer service.

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

The future is now.

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.