With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
You Might Also Like
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.