Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

the clam before the storm

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

money maker

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious