With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
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I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
There’s never enough good news
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.