With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
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There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
good news everyone
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Maths meets science
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶