With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
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BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
