Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

Broom by every window for quick escape.

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

[CAVE]

BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!

DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.