With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
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My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
🤣😂🤣😂
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”