With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
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cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
NASA has no chill
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what