With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
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Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
thanksgiving in nutshell
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
They’re on their honeymoon
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.