Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

watching gymnastics

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”

Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together