With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
You Might Also Like
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
“I FIXED IT!”
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.