With this onion ring, I thee fed
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Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
The real reason evolution started..😂
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?