With this onion ring, I thee fed
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Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
☠️ ☠️
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
God tier horse name today on the sims
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
weird email i got today
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.