With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
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I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
when u come home smelling like another dog
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
Everyone is getting idioter.
people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point