With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
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Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
sir, my pâté if you please
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road