With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
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If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Trying
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”