With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
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Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.