With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
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YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.