Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
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*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”