Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
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I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.