Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
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Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
According to WebMD, caffeine deficiency is a life threatening condition for people around you.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*