Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

Kids: Stay in school.