Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
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English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.