Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

My horoscope said I should kiss you today

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”