Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

her: wanna be my fwb?

me: friends with bacon???

her: …

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.